Things I'll never do
2 minute read
- Believe that p =/= np
- Change my name to Felipe and become a corrupt oil baron based out of Portugal who profits off exploitation and coerced labor
- Be convicted of high treason for staging a government coup over state involvement with a ring of corrupt watermelon dealers
- Purchase a flamingo umbrella
- Stop feeling existential dread
- Drink coffee
- Ingest copious ammounts of ytterbium (III) bromide and post a detailed log of the experience on the internet
- Genetically modify mice to grow poisonous barbs on their tails
- Own a house in the appalachian mountains
- Become a wikipedia moderator
- Learn the ukelele
- Create a facebook account that posts exclusively handmade ASCII art of slices of bread stapled to trees
- Meet president Truman
- Get confused between the uses of “their” and “they’re” (seriously, their pretty difficult to mix up)
- Sabatoge a product launch by replacing the developer’s Aspirin with sleeping pills
- Buy a turtle
- Construct a functioning airplane out of airplane peanuts, or make any other political statement of a similar scale
- Stop learing
- Commission a life-sized artisinal glass sculpture of Winston Chruchill meeting Paul Erdős
- Be buried alive
- Mow my lawn with barber shop scisors
- Give a haircut with a lawnmower
- Commit regecide
- Go on a wild amphetamine-fueled tricycle rampage through downtown Berlin
- Obtain a large volume of uranium slag
- Make a tautological tautology
- Be acquitted of crimes against humanity on the grounds that I was temporarily replaced by an alien lookalike
- Declare war on Italy without sufficient reason
- Gift a stranger a large cut of beef
- Jaywalk
- Kidnap the chancellor of Finland and force him to freedive for pearls (in the month of December, at least; the water would be too cold.)
- Misplace my passport while giving a guest lecture in New Zealand
- Collect stamps. Or bottlecaps.
- Write in cursive
- Pay a contractor in the appropriate number of $1 checks
- Start a bookstore that sells individual pages of books only
- Train a lion
- Be trained by a lion
- Own more than 3 pink feather boas
- Step into the Large Hadron Collider while it is operating
- Play water polo
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- Be a politician
- Not think that all conspiracy theorists are just a government conspiracy to misdirect public attention
- Write an entire book in rot13 without the help of an automatic cipher
- Stop hating those presumptous, bombastic fools who think that anyone cares enough about their lives to read an entire list of things they would never do
- Befriend a short, taciturn Hungarian man named Andor
- Bathe a child in the river Styx
- Save data to a floppy disk
- Grafitti a proof of the Riemann hypothesis on a wall under a bridge